The Night of Thanksgiving

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flying chased by his spouse
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry
Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry
He'd been cheatin' on Elin and the story progressed
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed
He'd been cheatin with Holly and Jaimee and Cori
With Joselyn and Kalika The world had the story
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues
Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news
With hostesses waitresses he had lots of sex
When not in their pants he was sendin them texts
Despite all his cryin and beggin and pleadin
Tiger's wife went investin-a new home in Sweden
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade
If you're gettin laid then I'm gettin paid
She's not pouting, in fact she is of jolly good cheer
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year

Happy Halloween

The Skinny on the New Pants

I went to return a pair of pants. The gal at the store's Customer Service asked "Is there something wrong with them?" All 250 pounds of me answered back with a poker face: "They make me look fat." She had a bit of trouble, but she contained her laughter, finishing up the transaction with total poise and dignity. Would have loved to hear the break room conversation ....

Attention WalMart Shoppers

Is it still a tree house if it’s not technically in a tree? I think I’ll allow it.
Georgia

If you asked a 7 year old to dress himself, he would probably come out looking something like this…probably better actually.
Kentucky

Somebody come here and pick up my jaw, I can’t seem to find it now that my eyes popped out of my head.
Pennsylvania

I always assumed the lemon would carry the man-purse, but thanks to this picture we can now put that argument to rest. You know, with the ketchup they kinda have a nice stoplight thing going on there too.
New York

I don’t think your hamburger is the only thing you need help with.

Canada

We get it. You were in a Paula Abdul video 20 years ago, awesome! Now please change.
Nevada

How did this guy find my Osh Kosh B’gosh overalls from when I was 4?
Tennessee




I have this picture up so that you can stare at it for 5 minutes to decide if she is hot, then try to convince yourself that you don’t actually think she’s hot when you know she really is.
Oklahoma




Save the money, I highly doubt that its going to help you anyway.
Florida




Hey maybe you guys could help me down, it’s a 3 foot drop and my legs aren’t what they used to be.
Nevada



I challenge you to find pants to match fuzzy pink flip flops and green nail polish, then have someone take your picture and send it to us.
California



Now all we need is Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem for a reunion tour.
Texas





I’m not quite sure if Godzilla belongs on the dinosaur van, but since this guy included him, I’m glad he is at the very top where he belongs…..Godzilla would beat down every other dinosaur. That’s a fact. Look it up.
West Virginia



You know that “Bubba” guy that I mentioned…
Unknown



Britney Spears let herself go…….again.
Kentucky




Are those ankle weights, half-socks or sweatbands? Does she think that if things are kind of the same color they can go together? Are see-through shorts only appropriate with shiny blue hats? I wish I knew how these things worked.
Florida




Is it even legal to look this good?
California

Justin Roberts "Stay-at-Home Dad"

Potty Humor

My daughter, The Empress, is graduating from diapers to underpants. Probably no reason to celebrate (save the cost of diapers and, now, pre-school potty trained discount) except that this is another milestone in her growth, one that carries with it it's own consequences.

A few examples:

- "An Inconvenient Poop" - the need to go potty will usually occur while at the furthest point from a rest room in the department store.

- The "Would You Like Paper or Plastic" Poop - usually occurs just as the cashier begins checking out your weekly food order.

- The "False Alarm" usually occurs while driving and one must stop at the nearest reasonably clean rest room before child deposits hiney fruit in her child seat. Upon arriving at the rest room, child announces "No pee-pee - no poo-poo".

- The "Magic Seat Cover" Poop - parent places paper toilet seat cover on toilet seat, turns to lift child onto seat, and the automatic flush activates, flushing paper seat cover.

- The "Sanctified Poop" - occurs just as the preacher says "Let us pray."

- The "Would You Like Some Company?" Poop - probably a "False Alarm" poop, but child wants to keep parent nearby whilst parent ....... never mind.

- The "Tailgate Poop" - answer to several of the above scenarios ....... parent buys a potty at IKEA for 4 bucks and has it handy in his tool box in the bed of his Ford F-150 truck. Parent must supply own wipes, plastic bag and gallon bottle of rinse water.

-

O.K. - If You Don't Shoot Me, I'll Eat the Okra.

…… so, you’re out on a day hike in the woods. Mind you, you’re not in the jungle far from civilization. You spot some vegetable like growth on a vine or tree. What are the chances you’ll have the desire to sample something that looks like this …..



Or this ....



Or this ....



Me? No way. I’d be out of my mind! Yet, I’ve actually eaten the delicacy pictured in the last sample. And you know what? It’s okra! I’ve actually eaten okra! Voluntarily! Because I love my wife! She likes okra and I love her so I eat it! Even though I find it totally loathsome! I must be nuts!

Some interesting okra tidbits:

When cut, okra releases a sticky substance with thickening properties. The same thing happens when you lance a boil.

Grown in tropical and warm temperate climates, it is in the same plant family as hibiscus and cotton. Yes, I do believe I’ve had cotton mouth after eating okra.

Its mild flavor can be compared to eggplant, though the texture is somewhat unusual. Now, there’s an understatement!

Whole, fresh okra pods also make excellent pickles. Don’t come anywhere near me with that!

So, if I happen to be traipsing through the jungle, famished and hallucinatory and I come across some okra, yes, I will eat it. Even raw. But when there’s a choice, it goes right on the list along with calves’ liver, rutabaga, beets and eel. Meanwhile, baby, I’ll cook your okra for you – on the grill outside – right next to my corn on the cob. Love ya.

Sarcasm, Please

Please leave me a sarcastic comment on the subject of

not updating my blog.

Jersey Boys

Being a Jersey Boy myself, I could not pass it up when the show, a musical biography of Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons came through town. These guys were from my neck of the woods, and character portrayals were hauntingly familiar including the authentic New Jersey street vocabulary. "F" bombs were dropped as if the players were reciting fine poetry and accents were reminiscent of those heard up and down the streets and alleys of the North End of Elizabeth, New Jersey, where I grew up during the hayday of the Four Seasons.
The script was typical of the rise and fall of a performer. The show had elements of "The Doors", "Walk the Line", "Dream Girls" and "Coal Miner's Daughter". But the thing that had the audience on it's feet was the music, performed by a talented group of singers and instrumentalists. We knew the words to every song, skillfully woven into the story line to create quite an enjoyable evening of music. Recommended for adults (unless you'd like to be embarrassed in front of your kids - wait - maybe you talk like those guys in front of your kids - I don't know - you decide.)

1 Year Anniversary Raffle

In celebration of 1 year as a family of 3, we would like to do a raffle for a CD of Chinese lullabies sung by the Beijing Angelic Choir. This music has soothed Joanna Mei to sleep each night and we'd like to pass on this beautiful music to a lucky winner. Just leave a comment on this post indicating that you'd like to win. Joanna Mei will draw a winner on July 14, our Forever Family Day.

Don't mean to judge ...... nope, sure don't.

... and the DUH Award goes to .....

It had been a particularly noteworthy Sunday.

Church in the AM followed by a short nap and then a 1 hour drive to

meet some friends from way back for a snack in Lakeland, FL.

The drive over was uneventful and considering traffic in Central Florida,

that made it eventful.

Our meeting went as planned and we continued onto the Lakeland Civic Center for a performance of Cirque du Soleil's "Saltimbanco".

Oops ... I failed to mention that we boldly brought along our 2 year old.

You would not have known it. She was on her best behavior and presented herself as a most charming individual.

It was daring of us to bring her along to the 2 hour show, but she was transfixed on the display of athletic prowess and the illusions before her. She danced, cheered, and glued her eyes to the performance area.

But, what followed was most unimpressive ......

For this reason ......

goes to ......

The Staff and Management of Lakeland's

I love this eatery's milk shakes and the sign loomed before us so we stopped for dinner at approximately 7:30 PM.

We placed our orders ..... (22 minutes after being seated)

1 Grilled Chicken Salad

1 Single Steakburger with Cheese and Bacon

1 Vanilla Milk Shake

1 Order of Chicken Fingers

(The chicken fingers were free - special on Sat & Sun:

Free kid's meal with each $8.00 spent)

Our daughter had pooped and so I attended to the primitive ritual of the diaper change. I figured I'd take my time, so we sang and wiped and washed and sang some more. She loved the sounds of her screams ricocheting off the tiled walls. When we arrived back at our table, still no food, although the shake had arrived. 43 minutes after being seated, along comes a different waitress with our order. The Steakburger and chicken fingers were there on the tray, but there appeared to be a chicken club substituted for the chicken salad. We told the waitress and she brought back the whole tray. Leaving us in her dust, we tried to tell her to leave us the bloody burger and chicken fingers (we were so hungry we were ready to eat the people in the next booth) but she flicked us off and went back to the pick up window. 3 minutes later, she returns with the chicken salad and the other 2 items and informs us that she had brought the wrong tray. I wanted to say "You friggin' liar!" but I managed to maintain poise and dignity. Our regular waitress stopped by to see how it was going and I told her what happened and could she bring me a new bun for my burger as there was mustard on the one I was served which I didn't order. She reached down to grab the plate containing the burger. "Just a new bun!" I said in a style reminiscent of Jack Nickolson in "The Shining".

The rest of the meal went without a hitch.

I asked for my check. Our waitress indicated that it would just be a minute.

I told her that I would stand in the aisle until she returned.

It came in 30 seconds.

The Chicken Club Sandwich (never ordered in the first place)

was still on the bill ........

The Child's Meal (should be free) was also charged .....

Our waitress offered to take care of it.

"No, that won't be necessary. I'll do it myself when I pay for the check."

The manager was at the register. We were wanting to get back on the road back to Orlando, so I mentioned the disputed items and he deducted them without question. ....... But here's the best part, folks .......

I paid with a credit card and he asked for I.D.

This is what I presented to him .......

Actual scan of a gag driver's license I keep in my wallet

He compared the credit card to the gag driver's license and said

"Thank you, sir."

And so, Steak and Shake, Lakeland, Florida .......

here's your DUH Award for the most screw ups in one meal

during a 90 minute period. That's right, we were back on the road at 9 PM.

We actually drove to Orlando in less time than

Steak & Shake could put 3 lousy items on our table (not including 10 minutes to consume the marginal fare presented to us.)

Much success to you in your overall incompetence.

The Manhattan Transfer - Concert Reflections

I don’t let the opportunity to hear The Manhattan Transfer slip by me if the group is singing within 60 miles of my home. We were jazzed to score some great seats for their recent performance at the King Center for the Performing Arts in Melbourne, Fl – it might as well have been the first time we heard this incredible quartet exhibit their vocal gymnastics – we sat stunned by their performance, even though we had seen them 6 or so times over the years.
MT has had the same 4 singers in the lineup for over 30 years, so the accuracy with which they sing is extraordinary. As an ensemble, the sound is exquisite, providing a spot on vocal blend. Individually, the 2 women far outshine the men in performance and talent. Janis Siegel is a wild woman. Even at 57, she still exhibits a more sophisticated version of the same spunky gal from 25 years ago. Over the years, her voice has become one of the group’s most recognizable trademarks. Cheryl Bentyne has a vocal range which defies science. Her sultry low notes are Karen Carpenter-esque and her high notes provide keen competition for dog whistles. Tim Hauser (founder) and Alan Paul each contribute their individual flavor to the ensemble, giving it fullness and body.
Some of our favorite MT songs include “Route 66”, “Soul Food to Go”, “Ray’s Rock House”, “Operator”, and “The Offbeat of Avenues”. At times during the show, songs called for everyone to get up and dance, but when we looked at the audience behind us, there wasn’t much of a chance of that happening. We very well may have been the youngest kids in the crowd, so we settled for jukein’ in our seats.
Some of their pieces defy traditional harmonic writing causing me to wonder “How the heck do they do that?” Not necessarily something you want to hear a lot of, but enough to solidify one’s appreciation for their excellence at their craft. Their stylings include pop, jazz, rock, Brazilian, a capella, gospel, vocalese, big band and the list goes on. Recently, they recorded some of their old favorites with symphony orchestra, giving the selections a lush character for easy listening.
We’ll be there for the next pass of The Manhattan Transfer through Florida. After 30 years, these remarkable performers have a myriad of songs from which to compose a set list.

Slackin' Again

Thanks for stoppin' by.

I promise to do an update by next week.

A 2 year old in the house can sure keep you jumpin'.

Getaway

I've not done an update on this blog in a long time ..... only excuse: life in general. This posting was to go on our regular blog about life with our daughter, but it merits being posted here do to it's content. Enjoy .....





The time came when HomeDaddy required a day off from his appointed duties serving The Empress. MamaBe also desired some ‘alone’ time in the presence of royalty. It was decided that HD would go to the beach while MB remained behind in their humble abode just out the back door of Disney.

After signing off some paperwork at the attorney’s office for the young one’s Florida Birth Certificate, it was off to New Smyrna Beach, a somewhat sleepy beach town about 10 miles south of Daytona Beach. Around this time, it tends to liven up a bit with the overflow of spring breakers, and HomeDaddy found out that he was just on the edge of the revelers making their full blown presence known. The annual event would be in total swing by next weekend.

HD had been suffering from a bulging disc (to match his bulging waistline) for some time, and felt quite good on Friday, after checking in at his oceanfront room (not really as glamorous as it sounds), so a short walk up the beach seemed perfectly in order. Then it hit …. Shots of pain up and down the right leg from the hip to the ankle and back. Turning around to start back, he realizes that he’s gone farther than he should have and limps, gimps and staggers his way south as the last ray of light disappears behind another slinky dink motel marring what once was a pristine natural beach. He sits down and comes to the realization that his trek along the ocean would be a lot longer than originally planned. No more cars on the beach …. Can’t hitchhike back. Limp, gimp, stagger. Finally, the lights of the flickering neon sign came into view …. HD was never so glad to see The Surf High Motel. Back in the bare bones room: “Bartender. A round of Tylenol 3 for everyone!” The snores could be heard out on A1A sounding like a beached sea monster.

Next morning, after trying to stretch out the stiffness, it was off to the nearest Starbucks. A sad fact: not one was to be found between NSB and Daytona. This town is so laid back that residents haven’t the foggiest what a Double MachoCappoFrappoLatto is. It would be totally out of character for a Starbucks to occupy a storefront on Flagler Avenue, a 4 block street with several bars, musty eateries, trendy beach shoppes and rental offices. My favorite dive is The Breakers, located directly on the beach with an open air seating area overlooking all the activity at Oceanside. I avoided my usual basket of fried clams for an ahi tuna salad which hit the spot when accompanied by a $5.00 Blue Moon draft. The entertainment on the beach at spring break brought back memories of college days as I tried to remember if I had a memory back then.

The pain returned to my leg and back around mid-afternoon, so a lounge next to the pool with a book sounded like a good thing. “The Smokers Over 65 Convention” must have been in town. Their smoke, complimented by odors of sunscreen, sweat, and cheap cologne gently wafting my way on an occasional sea breeze made for an aromatic as well as visual feast. I then remembered why I am drawn to the beach – walking and swimming. With my leg on the fritz, it made it impossible to participate in my favorite pastimes and caused me to look at the scene at poolside. I don’t want this to be me in a few years. It caused me to miss dearly my 2 year old daughter and super-woman wife and reflect on the necessity to maintain my health in order to be there when they need me.
I thought “Gee. Sure glad I had the ahi instead of the fried nasties.” Well, it was a start.

A tuna sub for dinner, followed by a Tylenol 3 chaser and it was lights out at 9. I missed the gleaming of the dawn’s early light over the ocean as it was a difficult night with pain and opted to take off early for home in the Magic Kingdom. MamaBe and The Empress were at church (bad HomeDaddy played hookie – I’m gonna die and go to hell – wait – different dogma) and it wasn’t long before being greeted to the shrill screams of “Daddy! Daddy!” It was music to my ears.

This week: more physical therapy and a look at what I’m putting in my pie hole. I need to be around for the important stuff…….

Happy Valentine's Day ..... What? No Magpies?!?!?!

On the evening of the seventh day of the seventh month on the Chinese lunar calendar, don't forget to look carefully at the summer sky. You'll find the Cowherd (a bright star in the constellation Aquila, west of the Milky Way) and the Weaving Maid (the star Vega, east of the Milky Way) appear closer together than at any other time of the year. Chinese believe the stars are lovers who are permitted to meet by the queen of Heaven once a year. That day falls on the double seventh (Qixi in Chinese), which is China's own Valentine's Day.Most Chinese remember being told a romantic tragedy when they were children on the double seventh. In the legend, the cowherd and the Weaving Maid will meet on a bridge of magpies across the Milky Way once a year. Chinese grannies will remind children that they would not be able to see any magpies on that evening because all the magpies have left to form a bridge in the heavens with their wings.

Change

I had some fun on obamame.com

Sarah Brightman - The "What the Hell?" Tour Stops in Orlando

Sarah Brightman is an enigma, a sort of riddle without a punchline or a mystery that has no outcome. To define her would be like trying to find explain Cirque du Soleil or even Cher. I have a real love/hate thing with her music and performances. Here is an incredibly talented woman who can sing opera or pop (popera) and go from one to the other effortlessly, yet she insists on larding her albums with songs using a whispy voice that requires that she push so much air to produce the undesirable sound, that her head must spin for lack of oxygen. This annoyance is quite evident in her 2 latest CDs, “Symphony’ and “A Winter Symphony”.

On the tune “Fleur du Mal” (from “Symphony”) you can hear her inhaling as if gasping (not just a polite breath) to make it to the end of some of the phrases. Yet, she is able to give a credible performance using both pop and opera on several of the other songs on the album. Take “Canto Della Terra” – she starts off the piece in that weak little cherub head voice and then soars into a trained ‘classical’ interpretation opposite Andrea Bocelli. The effect is stunning! Yet she continues to use that chirpy little bird voice on too many of her songs, especially on her “A Winter Symphony” CD. Any hint of vocal substance is missing from this cold and dreary project which includes “throwaways” for the sake of meeting production deadlines. Arrangements are bland and uninteresting.
Yet, in the past, she could take me off the floor with her high-ceilinged vocal interpretations. Her combination of light and airy with classic vocal performance is evident on such tunes as “Anytime, Anywhere”, “Il Mio Cuore Va’, “Figlio Perduto”, and of course “Time to Say Goodbye”. It is a palatable mix.

********
Knowing that she would be covering songs from “my many previous albums”, I went to see her at the new UCF Arena on her latest “Symphony” tour. The show would better have been titled “What the Hell?” The evening’s proceedings began with a lengthly prerecorded music wash with accompanying light ballets and flickers as the diva set herself in place at the head of a long runway protruding from the stage into the audience.

When the lights came up, THIS is what we saw .....

My first “What the Hell?” moment. Did she have a fight with her patio screens while she was storing them up for winter? Is she afraid of being attacked by killer bees? All I could think was …. You guessed it …. “What the Hell?” Several dancing members of her entourage appeared and undraped the mess, revealing Ms Brightman dressed in a red gown. It was my wish at this point that she just sing in the very nice dress. Not to happen. She made it through several tunes from her latest effort, dancers appeared and did a few choreographed wiggles and kicks, the lights went down and Ms Brightman appeared to be ‘suspended’ in a water ballet scene as she sang “Hijo de la Luna”. Don’t call lockdown on me – our diva du jour was actually laying on the floor of the stage being photographed and projected on the screen just above the stage. It was a great effect and the audience appreciated the technology.

Her costumes were just downright goofy. In a duet with tenor Mario Frangoulis, she wore this little number from the Marie Antoinette/Ringling Brothers Collection. Frangoulis just about blew her off the stage with his amazing chops and I don’t know how he kept a straight face while singing with her. It was quite bizarre. See my review of a Frangoulis concert here ….. scroll down to "Tampa Concert Report by a Fan".

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My heartfelt apologies for the steep ticket prices.

It takes big bucks to make a woman look this cheap."

And then there was this item from the What the Hell? Collection. Oy!

"Hello. My name is Sarah Brightman.

Is this the casting call for the Fellini movie?"

About that time, I wanted to yell “Just put on a nice dress and just sing, for crying out loud!”

So she did.

……. And Frangoulis joined her again for The Phantom of the Opera, the high point in the show. But alas, weird became the new black. A guy in a rabbit head, the Mad Hatter and Alice in Wonderland popped out from a trap door in the floor and chased each other about and before we knew it, there was Ms Brightman, suspended on a stationary bicycle as a somewhat demented Little Red Riding Hood (keep in mind – this babe is 48 years old) peddling away, doing a rap number with Tchkovsky’s “Nutcracker” being chased by holographic wolves projected on a scrim. I’m not making this up. At first, I thought the beer that I had at intermission had distorted my brain's eye, but my wife, who was not partaking of the $6.00 beverage selection, backed me up on what I saw. SB is proud to announce that all of the ideas for her shows come out of her imagination. I Googled it --- she has had no recent head wounds.

But, I am still quite the Sarah Brightman fan, for which I should probably see a shrink. Her purists will say “Oh, but that’s just our Sarah. She is so MANY different things.” Baloney! She’s quite the nutjob and she is one talented gal. If she does half the show without an overdose of the creepies, it’s still worth the ticket.

See you on the "It's All About Me" tour, Sarah.