The Skinny on the New Pants

I went to return a pair of pants. The gal at the store's Customer Service asked "Is there something wrong with them?" All 250 pounds of me answered back with a poker face: "They make me look fat." She had a bit of trouble, but she contained her laughter, finishing up the transaction with total poise and dignity. Would have loved to hear the break room conversation ....

Attention WalMart Shoppers

Is it still a tree house if it’s not technically in a tree? I think I’ll allow it.
Georgia

If you asked a 7 year old to dress himself, he would probably come out looking something like this…probably better actually.
Kentucky

Somebody come here and pick up my jaw, I can’t seem to find it now that my eyes popped out of my head.
Pennsylvania

I always assumed the lemon would carry the man-purse, but thanks to this picture we can now put that argument to rest. You know, with the ketchup they kinda have a nice stoplight thing going on there too.
New York

I don’t think your hamburger is the only thing you need help with.

Canada

We get it. You were in a Paula Abdul video 20 years ago, awesome! Now please change.
Nevada

How did this guy find my Osh Kosh B’gosh overalls from when I was 4?
Tennessee




I have this picture up so that you can stare at it for 5 minutes to decide if she is hot, then try to convince yourself that you don’t actually think she’s hot when you know she really is.
Oklahoma




Save the money, I highly doubt that its going to help you anyway.
Florida




Hey maybe you guys could help me down, it’s a 3 foot drop and my legs aren’t what they used to be.
Nevada



I challenge you to find pants to match fuzzy pink flip flops and green nail polish, then have someone take your picture and send it to us.
California



Now all we need is Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem for a reunion tour.
Texas





I’m not quite sure if Godzilla belongs on the dinosaur van, but since this guy included him, I’m glad he is at the very top where he belongs…..Godzilla would beat down every other dinosaur. That’s a fact. Look it up.
West Virginia



You know that “Bubba” guy that I mentioned…
Unknown



Britney Spears let herself go…….again.
Kentucky




Are those ankle weights, half-socks or sweatbands? Does she think that if things are kind of the same color they can go together? Are see-through shorts only appropriate with shiny blue hats? I wish I knew how these things worked.
Florida




Is it even legal to look this good?
California

Justin Roberts "Stay-at-Home Dad"

Potty Humor

My daughter, The Empress, is graduating from diapers to underpants. Probably no reason to celebrate (save the cost of diapers and, now, pre-school potty trained discount) except that this is another milestone in her growth, one that carries with it it's own consequences.

A few examples:

- "An Inconvenient Poop" - the need to go potty will usually occur while at the furthest point from a rest room in the department store.

- The "Would You Like Paper or Plastic" Poop - usually occurs just as the cashier begins checking out your weekly food order.

- The "False Alarm" usually occurs while driving and one must stop at the nearest reasonably clean rest room before child deposits hiney fruit in her child seat. Upon arriving at the rest room, child announces "No pee-pee - no poo-poo".

- The "Magic Seat Cover" Poop - parent places paper toilet seat cover on toilet seat, turns to lift child onto seat, and the automatic flush activates, flushing paper seat cover.

- The "Sanctified Poop" - occurs just as the preacher says "Let us pray."

- The "Would You Like Some Company?" Poop - probably a "False Alarm" poop, but child wants to keep parent nearby whilst parent ....... never mind.

- The "Tailgate Poop" - answer to several of the above scenarios ....... parent buys a potty at IKEA for 4 bucks and has it handy in his tool box in the bed of his Ford F-150 truck. Parent must supply own wipes, plastic bag and gallon bottle of rinse water.

-

O.K. - If You Don't Shoot Me, I'll Eat the Okra.

…… so, you’re out on a day hike in the woods. Mind you, you’re not in the jungle far from civilization. You spot some vegetable like growth on a vine or tree. What are the chances you’ll have the desire to sample something that looks like this …..



Or this ....



Or this ....



Me? No way. I’d be out of my mind! Yet, I’ve actually eaten the delicacy pictured in the last sample. And you know what? It’s okra! I’ve actually eaten okra! Voluntarily! Because I love my wife! She likes okra and I love her so I eat it! Even though I find it totally loathsome! I must be nuts!

Some interesting okra tidbits:

When cut, okra releases a sticky substance with thickening properties. The same thing happens when you lance a boil.

Grown in tropical and warm temperate climates, it is in the same plant family as hibiscus and cotton. Yes, I do believe I’ve had cotton mouth after eating okra.

Its mild flavor can be compared to eggplant, though the texture is somewhat unusual. Now, there’s an understatement!

Whole, fresh okra pods also make excellent pickles. Don’t come anywhere near me with that!

So, if I happen to be traipsing through the jungle, famished and hallucinatory and I come across some okra, yes, I will eat it. Even raw. But when there’s a choice, it goes right on the list along with calves’ liver, rutabaga, beets and eel. Meanwhile, baby, I’ll cook your okra for you – on the grill outside – right next to my corn on the cob. Love ya.

Sarcasm, Please

Please leave me a sarcastic comment on the subject of

not updating my blog.